Busy day

    So, I really having accomplished anything yet. I have been making a point of eating at least one probiatic (yogert) everyday. I did to one of my homework assignements, and I plan to do the other one tonight. I still need to call about my college reembursement and call the bank. Dangit I keep forgetting. I think it might be too late to call the bank, but I will try to call them tomorrow.

  I made the decission to work out every morning. I'm going to drop lizzy off around 8am and then go to Tamerac. That will give me 1/2-15 mins to so to work out everyday. I would like to do the same thing on friday as well, but thats when I normally schedual all Lizzy and my appts, so Ill have to make sure that I give myself an hour window from now on before my shift. On the weekends, Ill just have to do something fun with Lizzy that gets me out of the chair.

  Lizzy's swim team is all over as of tomorrow. I will keep taking her to open swim and swimming on Saturdays at Tamerac. She loves to do it, its great excersize and she should spend less time infront of the tv.

  I have to do my gratitude list for today:

1)Our team placed 2nd place at work today. I was able to get a silver medal and a $10 gift card, which I used to buy a "eating clean" book.
2)Meagan Long talked to me a long time and offered me support. I really missed her.
3)Michelle also came over to talk to me. She is so nice and supportive. I really love that lady!
4)Misty also willing to listen to me if I ever need someone to talk to. She has so much going on but still lends an ear to me. I love her so much!
5)Paulette our team leader for encouraging us to do our best.
6)My car still runs! I can still get to where I need to go.
7)I still have time to deciede if the surgery is right for me. I'm still not completely sure.
8)My super nice doctor who has been paitent with me, and listened to me and genuenely wants to help.
9)Tashua who always listen to me is unconditionally supportive as well. She is almost too good to true.
10)Free access to Tamerac. My job pays for it.


  

July 10, no idea what to title it

     So I'm going to knock this blog post out first thing. I have a busy day today and I want to make sure it starts out as right as it can. My day was supposed to start at 7am, so I could work out and eat breakfast and do laundry. That didn't work out. I got out of bed at 7:45, took a longer then I should have bath and then got on the computer and played Castleville. But, I did get to work early enough to eat some breakfast here, and I'm going to work on my gratitude list right now.

     The thing that I have to work on the most, is my attitude with the policyholders. I am not outright rude, or mean, but I do sometimes have a tiny bit of an attitude. and when you are on the phone that comes across louder then usual, some more then others. I was hoping going to the psychologist would help me figure out why I do that and ways to get around it. She did help some. She suggested "self talk". Saying things like, who am I really mad at? It is not the Policy Holder's fault. The problem is, I need to stop myself from even doing it in the first place. So self talk after the fact is going to help prevent farther damage, but I need to find a way to not do it at all. Yesterday, all morning before I got to work and before I started my shift. I spent the day imaging myself apologizing to some of the customers I was abrupt with. Sincerely wanting to help them, and truly feeling sorry for having even the tiniest attitude with them. All day, I only had one time that I rushed someone off the phone. So, it did work! But I might have to spend my lunch walking and doing some more self talk.

Goals for today:
  *No more attitudes over the phone
  *Do my homework assignment for at least one of my classes
  *Call and take care of college reimbursement today
  *Call the bank and take care of combined insurance
  *Work late tonight
  *Go to bed early

Gratitude List:

1)My job. In this economy I have a fantastic job that is close to home and has great hours
2)My little girl. So smart and pretty and kind. Just having her in my life feels like a miracle
3)Going back to school. I'm going to graduate this time. Have that sense of pride and accomplishment
4)My good friends. Always there to support me and make me feel like I matter
5)The sun, I always feel better when the sun shines on me
6) The Internet, so much information right there to explore and learn
7)Gerber bucks. I was able to get a tablet for free through that incentive program
8)My boss. Truly wants to help me succeed.
9)My health. I can still move around, even if it does hurt.
10)The ability to change the things I don't like about my life!

   I'm going to start my journal, next week. This week, I'm going to make a spread sheet to keep track of stretching and exercise.

Try try again!!

    So I skipped Saturday and Sunday. I didn't mean to, I thought about blogging, but Saturday I got Lizzy back, so I spent the day with her, and Sunday I have little excuse, but it was pretty much the same thing. What I did do on Sunday, was took care of the clothes, taught how to Lizzy vacuum, knitted a snake,  made some awesome chicken burritos, and took Lizzy to her swim practice.

   I don't think I can go to the psychologist anymore. I cannot afford to pay $60 a month in co-pays. It stinks, I think I made a breakthrough. But, if I continue what she suggested and when I get all my other bills caught back up, I can go see her on a regular basis again.

  I have plenty to work on in the mean time:
    *I have to start all over with my gratitude book.
    *I have to practice "self talk" and make a conscious effort to control my emotional reactions
    *Write down any "triggers" that cause me to get angry or sad for no reason
    *Only focus on the here and no as far as food choices. Every time I eat, ask myself if I really need it
    *I'm going to do the same thing about spending money, because I really have to reel that in, too.
    *I'm going to start taking baby steps towards exercise, also. As long as I move a little more then I did the day before it is a success!
    *College started Sunday, I really need to make sure my grades are a priority. Read the text books, put 100% effort into assignments. I'm spending a lot of money on my education, I need to take it seriously.
    *Write in my blog twice a day. Once in the morning doing my gratitude exercise and my goals for the day. Once at night to say everything that happened.

   My goal is making my health a priority. There is no reason why I shouldn't be a super healthy star in a year or two. Besides that, many people who have lost weight have made a lot of money off of it. Healthy for me is not only physical, but mental as well. I need to bring up my self esteem. I'm going to have to start out slowly, because I have really spent way to much money and got myself in a corner. So money and budgeting HAS to be another goal. Also, doing well at work. Not only because I get "Gerber bucks" which is free money to spend on extras that I can enjoy, but also the other monetary awards for doing very well. I know what I'm capable off. I really need to prove it. The only way to move up is to prove myself.

Gratitude List:
1)My home. I feel safe and comfortable there.
2)The town I live in. Everyone is so nice, it has everything I need.
3)The opportunities to make a difference. If I speak my mind and help to change things that I don't like, not only will that make me feel better, but it will improve life for everyone.
4)Being young enough to make necessary changes. You decide who you are, and no one can change that except YOU.
5)Having enough money to get Lizzy's bike fixed. No breaks is a big issue.
6)Having a bike repair place here in town. I don't know what I would do if I had to fix it myself.
7)Lizzy's current babysitter. She is just awesome with Lizzy.
8)My Job. I get to sit in AC all day long and I make more money then I ever have before.
9)My mom. I still am so grateful she came all the way to Fremont to help me clean. I love her
10)For my life. I'm grateful for the opportunity to change and make my life as happy as it can be.


   I really like that exercise! It makes me feel really good every time I do it.

  I do have a lot to do and to keep track off. But if i can get a diary/journal to help keep track of what I eat and what I physical activities I do, and how I'm feeling, I can copy it all to my blog every night.

   I haven't been keeping track of anything, yet. Just making a very deliberate effort to eat healthier and move more. Jumping into it full force always discourages me. I have been doing a lot of visualizations to help remind me of my goal and keep me on track.

Gratitude day 2

  I was suposed to come up with my list of things Im grateful for hours ago. But the 10 things I am grateful for today are:


My daughter is coming home tomorrow, I'm grateful for that because I missed her so very much.

I was paid today, I earned enough money to pay some bills and put gas in my car.

I am the top person at getting payments, I am top on my team and only 2nd in the outbound dept, I'm grateful for this because for the longest time I was able to get apps but payments were harder for me.

I have hit all my targets this month except for drtv. Glcp target has been really hard for me to get, but im on track to hit it so far this month.

My apartment has AC. Its over 100 degrees today, so im really grateful I get to go home to a cool house.

I was invited to a facebook group of local ladies trying to lose weight and get healthy.  Such great timing on that.

Jenn at work said she would walk with me at least a couple days a week. :-D I need to expand my circle of friends so nice she is going to walk with me.

Im grateful that my psychologist is nice and easy to talk to and very friendly. Its hard to talk about your problems out loud.

Im grateful for The Magic book. I was able to get it right at the right time, when I'm commited to change my life.

My mom. She came over today to help clean my house while I'm at work.

   A good healthy dose of counting your blessings does make you feel better.

Soon I'll be starting the 17 day diet. I would like to start it this week, but I won't be able to afford to until the end of the month. In the mean time, I will be keeping track of what I eat and my exersize, so I can get into the habit of writing it down. I have to hold myself accountable. My psychologist said that I need to just take one day at a time. Every time I put something in my mouth, I need to ask myself if thats the right choice I should make to stay healthy. I really should ask that question everytime I spend money too. If I am ever going to get out of debt and be able to afford a new car and my own home, I really need to second guess every dollar spent. Now tonight I have to think of the best event of my day today, relive it, and be truly grateful that I was given that moment. :-D To help me remember, the book suggests to get a rock and put it beside my alarm clock, so when i turn it on at night, I can see the rock and remember to relive that memory.

My mom just called, she said that she finished cleaning my house, all I have to do is vacuum and put away clothes! that is awesome!! I know she means well, I really need to get over her not paying attention to me when I was little.

Gratitude

First thing I should say, I'm not going to do the surgery. Everything is approved, all they are waiting for is for me to pay them, and I can get the surgery scheduled. But, I don't think that it would be the smartest move for me.

    I have lost weight in the past. Every time I have, I have felt good about myself. I don't have the health conditions that people my size normally have, and I am still young. Having a surgery doesn't seem 100% necessary at this point. My mom wants me to get it, so that she can see what its like and get it later. People from work who have done it, want me to do it, because they feel great and think it will help me. I know it will, but I'm worried that it is a very extreme procedure, that may not work long term. I think, for me, the smartest thing will be, is to see a psychologist, work on my self esteem, see why I keep turning to food to self sooth. I have many other problems, weight is the biggest thing, but insecurity and aversion to all relationships, especially romantic ones, are pretty big too.

   There are women who live their whole life and never get married. They normally have boyfriends, though. I've only had one boyfriend, and I didn't really like him. He liked me and I had a small child, I thought I HAD to have someone, because if I didn't settle for someone, I would end up alone for the rest of my life. He was awful, and I not only left him, but I left the state.

   I have a psychologist appointment, tonight. But, I had some big realizations last night. My daughter is away at camp, and I spent the 4th alone knitting and watching psych. So I had some time to think. I really want to feel better about myself. I know I deserve to be happy, but its hard to make that happen.

  One of my friends has been really crappy lately, saying offhanded mean remarks, being short with me, threatening not to talk to me anymore, etc. It really bothered me. Not the normal way anyone would feel when a friend is being mean, but deep hurt, like poking at an old hurt. I realized that in some ways, he was treating me a lot like my mom did when I was growing up. To make it worse, when I would point it out to him, he would say he did not remember saying that and give a very formal apology. Like he HAD to, not like he meant it. Very similar way my mom would handle it. My first reaction was that maybe I was over reacting, maybe he didn't really say it and I took it the wrong way. But no, he really did say it. There have been times that I have over reacted to the way people have treated me. Especially, when I've felt really insecure.. Going to the gym, going to the doctor for the first time in 7 years, etc. But there was no reason for me to feel insecure around my friend, and he really did say those crappy things. I told another friend of mine what happened, and she said everything happens for a reason, maybe its time for you to really revisit those old hurts and deal with them. Last night I had the chance to.

    One of the biggest things that bothered me was the fact that my youngest sister always complained about how I was our mother's favorite. This completely floored me. Mom was always the hardest on me. Went out of her way not to show me any affection. When she was getting a divorce, told me that she wanted 2 divorces, wanted to get rid of me as well, and to send me to a foster home. Said I was just like my father. My sisters would wish me dead and told me that they hated me, my mom would literally shrug. I would have to listen to her complain about her life, my father, what ever is going on, but when I tried to talk, she was dismiss what I said or ignore me completely. My father was hardest on my middle sister. When we asked our mother about it, she said that sometimes parents are the hardest the ones they feel the closest too. I guess my youngest sister automatically associated that as my mom considered me her favorite. These things all happened after the age of 10. I do not remember very much about what happened before then.

   My mom still doesn't consider me my own person. Just an extension of herself. It annoys me to no end. Especially since she is now doing that to my daughter in some ways. My daughter Loves the water and to swim, but she was scared. Really scared. I put her on the swim team, because she asked, after the first practice, she was swimming, on her own, to the deep end. I was so proud of her, and I told my mom, she dismissed that, saying that she learned when she was 4, and there was no point in my life I didn't know how to swim. I was so angry at her. It wasn't about her or I. This was Elizabeth's accomplishment. She concurred something she was scared of. She should be recognized for that on her OWN merit.

  So I got way off the point I orginally wanted to make. I purchased two books. One my psychologist suggested called the 17 day diet. The other one called The Magic. The Magic is another book wrote by Rhonda Byrne, the same lady who did the movie The Secret.  The Magic is the same principles, but its in a 30 day how to manual, so you can bring more positive into your life. I started it today. The first day, my only task was to write down 10 things that I'm grateful for, include why I'm grateful, then re-read it thinking "thank you, thank you, thank you". Tomorrows task will be doing that same thing in the morning, and before I go to bed, think of the best thing that happened that day, and relive that moment thinking "thank you" the whole time. Apperently, everyday builds on the previous day. The idea is, the more grateful you are of the things you have, the more postive things come into your life. I figure, even it doesn't work, and more positive things do not come into my life. It never ever hurts to be grateful and happy for the things I do have.

   The other book, The 17 Day Diet, was wrote by a doctor. My psychologist did it and lost the 50lbs she needed too. I read it, and I think I could do it! It has 3 cycles of 17 days. You keep repeating the cycles until you are down to the weight you want to be, then to maintain your weight, you follow the diet durning the week and eat what ever you want on the weekends. I won't be able to start this diet for a little while, thought. I have to get my spending/budget under control, first. It's more expensive to eat healthy. Although, it is less expensive then eating fast food everyday, which I have been. LOL So, I figure at the end of this month, I will start it full blast.

SO, I feel way better today

     I had no idea I still had those feelings. Kinda took me by surprise and I ended up avoiding people most of the day, yesterday. Then, a friend sent me a txt, then, I talked to a couple other friends, so by the end of the day I felt pretty normal again. Eventually, I realized that Im still the same person, I do have friends, and some people dont like me, and a couple dont even care. BUT, I have no reason to feel so lonely. I have people I can talk to when things are bothering me. I always have. There is always someone willing to listen.

    Its a good thing that I have been able to adapt even with those terrible lonely feelings buried deep inside. I know that I can function without really addressing it, but to really feel good about myself, and to be a better friend and mom, and to be able to follow through with my big plans, I really should deal with it and get past it. I have a long list of psychologists to call to make an appointment.

    Also, I made a doctor appointment because I havent seen a doctor since my daughter was born.  I also reserved a couple seats for a gastric bypass surgery seminar.   I told my mom I was considering the surgery and she was very supportive. I dont know if I will actually go through with it yet, but I am considering it. She offered to not only watch liz for me while I recover, but let me stay with her so she can help me as much as she can. Ill ask her to come to the seminar with me. She is always supportive at first, but taking care of lizzy while I recover will be a huge help, and I know she will take good care of her.

   I've spent the day reading Healing Your Emotional Self, and reading about the different kinds of gastric bypass surgeries there are and what to expect. Also spent some more time really thinking about how I got to this point in my weight. I have went up and down a lot. Before I had lizzy, my weight went down quiet a bit without any real effort. I felt good about myself and the weight just worked itself out. Its funny how weight snowballs: when Im losing weight, I keep losing weight, when im gaining weight, I keep on gaining weight. Once I quit smoking, things really got out of control. Im really excited about going to the doctor and talking about my options.

    I have to make one more call about my student loans and my financial aid.  That situation is really frustrating me. April 8th is coming up quick, and most of me believes everything will work out just fine, but im a tiny bit worried it wont. I have one last loan to get consolidated and get the clearance letter for. Every time I think its taken care of, I find its not yet.

    With all the other distraction, I havent worked on Loma, or my diet all. At the very least I should be stretching in the morning, but trying to fight through all that garbage has been very distracting. Not an excuse, just a simple fact. Im hoping to get in to see a psychologist fairly quickly. I dont want to wait a month to see someone.

Current Priorities: Getting my self esteem under control and my ducks in a row for college.
Next step: Loma and regular work out routine(at least stretching so my muscles arent on fire everytime I try to stand)
Later: College, my personal budget, regular psychologist appointments

Self Examination

    Ive been reading an amazing book called Healing your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel.  Its well written and Ive been getting through it very quickly.

  Heres the problem. To heal yourself, you have to find out what needs to be healed. The book asks for you to look at specific things in your past that makes you think the way you do. I have a hard time doing that, always have. When ever I try to remember anything from my childhood, its like my mind shuts down and wonders. I dont WANT to remember. Its in the past, and its done. Even when I try, because I know its important, my mind just wont let me. Then  memories pop up that are painful and icky.

  But with drudging up old feelings, Ive been feeling icky, its been steadily getting worse for the past week, until early this morning when I woke up and I couldnt stop crying. The main issue is I have two very conflicting problems. On one hand, I DESPERATELY NEED SOMEONE to listen and to validate how I feel. I dont feel like I have anyone in the world who will do that for me at all.  Even right now, im having a hard time describing how I feel. I keep backspacing and retyping because Im self conscious. I feel like my feelings need to be handled by myself, first, because no one cares and why should they? second, im being selfish by pushing myself and my feelings on someone else. third, no one can help me but me. fourth, everyone has problems and are trying to deal with their own situation.  It kinda sounds like im trying to convince myself. Its an on going fight I have with myself.. I want to be loved, for someone to say its okay you feel that way, you're a good person, you are entitled to your feelings. but then I feel like punishing myself for thinking that way. and hiding and staying away from everyone. I shouldnt feel like I need anyone. I should be able to love myself, to accept myself, to self sooth if im feeling down. no one wants to hear my problems, much less take the time and effort and energy to tell me that its going to be okay. or help me get through it. I have to find my own way. and until I do I need to be on my own. No one will love you unless you can love yourself.

    Im only half way through the book. I hope it has some idea how to get past it. Most of the time, im perfectly okay with being alone. I have people to talk to, and as long as I dont talk about anything serious or meaningful in anyway, Im able to keep talking to them without them running away. Thats true with anyone right? By the time your adult, no one wants to hear whats really going on inside your head.

    I know its because of this constant battle I have with myself is the reason I keep gaining weight. I have to find a better, healthier way to deal.